I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
