I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
