i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
