i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize