wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
