She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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