mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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