1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
