i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
