I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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