I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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