Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
