this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
