my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Ketchup is God's man juice
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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