He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
