my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
