When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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