so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
