Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize