He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
