Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
