i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
