I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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