yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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