My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
