the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
why is half of my head shaved?
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