Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Randomize
