she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
