I'm eating all of the evidence.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dick has a subreddit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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