I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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