you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
