dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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