I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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