the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
