It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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