singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
