It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
