I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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