Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
