I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
