I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
