well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
