I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
