im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize