I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
me + whiskey = a bad person
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
