my shit smells like andre
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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