I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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