Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
