She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
