i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
