I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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