So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
