When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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