don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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