There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
