I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
