Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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